~Maybe it's his scratchy voice
~Maybe it's his gorgeous, curly hair
~Maybe it's his constant conversing and mimicking, his outgoingness
~Maybe it's his companionship and love for my son
~Maybe it's how he cries when we leave
~Maybe it's that he is an extension of my sister, my love
~Maybe it's that I feel nothing but love for this little man, and that I will feel nothing else but that.

~A million reasons and knowing it's how important he is in my life and I can't imagine it without him

Weekend flow

~Weeding the flower beds, feeling the resistance of hardened roots against my hand, earth lingering in winter cold.

~Feet locked, eyes resting, C laying between, noses turned to snuggle, funny and sweet cartoon I hum the theme to as sunlight breaks in a flourish of golds and pinks.

~Cleaning out closets and looking at old magazines I had saved from when I was in high school- laughing at the similarity of content to fashion magazines today.

~Eating watermelon in the evening light just before night falls in shades to black. Loving the way C eats his without a second thought to the juice running down his shirt...the way watermelon should be eaten in my opinion.

~Cooking together- grilled chicken, wilted spinach and roasted artichoke- and laughing in between stirring dressing, checking temperatures and babbling with C.

~Sidewalk chalk drawings smudged against the driveway

~Feeling cognisant of each moment-laundry, cooking, playing Whiffle ball, cleaning out closets- aware this is me in my life, and that I am grateful.

Hindsight in Fast Forward

A DJ this morning said, "you can change any situation in hindsight" and I had to nod in agreement. If it happened over again I would....

I have been thinking a lot in hindsight lately, not how I would have changed any one situation, but of the things I pictured for myself that didn't happen right away, and are now beginning to. I wanted those things to happen then, so badly, and for a long time I resented and criticized myself for not bringing them to fruition already.

I am now becoming comfortable with my journey and the breadth of my accomplishments, not always at this moment, but in this order for good reason. As long as I hold them constant in the pursuit of me, I will make them happen. Why I always think everything has to happen right now, or I should have done them already, is maybe a developed fear of seeing and hearing regret.

For a long time instead of taking this lesson and running full force, I doubted and put myself in a standstill. I realize I may not be the person to accomplish a lot in a short span of time, but I am trying to learn to take small amounts of time and make them count, as spoken so well in the words of this cool, insightful, creative woman.

I visited a college before I graduated high school and fell absolutely in love with the campus and the city. I wanted so badly to go, but college in state was affordable, actually free. In hindsight, I met my husband by staying in state, and now we both have an overwhelming desire to move. We are so exhausted by the traffic, and want to breath fresh air and raise C in a better learning environment- we both want to move. I have been ready to pursue higher education as well. I have always had a strong interest for developmental psychology.

Ten years ago I wanted to go to school here. Now I am a wife and mother and ready to move to the very place I dreamt of going to school. I just didn't have the patient understanding, or foresight, maybe, to know it didn't have to happen then, but in faith and pursuit it would happen-is happening.

Even if it is not this particular city, I am sure we will find a place we both love. I am becoming more aware of the importance to create the surroundings that inspire and bring good energy to me. Of course this all begins within, but I also believe surroundings effect us even if not completely aware of how. I am learning to not close the door on the dreams/interests I really want. The ones where hours race by without notice, pulling me deeper in thought and inner discovery. The ones I don't have to force or question. The ones that arouse all my senses at once leaving everything feeling richer and more purposeful. When I was younger I wanted to pursue everything, and now I understand the ones I wanted the most never faded away. They have been flitting around in my mind, like the delicate butterfly, they come briefly every so often as colorful reminders that although time may be burning, it is also full of rebirth and growth and opportunity.

In my prayers tonight

North Campus, UGA, taken last weekend- brought memories of college days.


Feeling so sad and mournful for the young students and professor killed at Virginia Tech today. It makes no sense to me. I don't understand the taking of another life, I know most do not. It is mad, insane, depressing to add to the descriptive of humans. All the dreams, the friendships, the rivalry of team games, the learning, the love, the future- the pendulum of their being swinging from childhood with excited force towards the beginning of adulthood. I pray for each of them tonight and for the love ones who will have to move forward without them, holding onto memories as tightly as possible into their following days. To those who were injured and have to continue to hold the memory of this tragedy in their following days, I pray for healing growth. To all the students of Virginia Tech who stressed over exams, jobs, future, family squabble and just trying to find their way, I hate this had to be part of their experience because the aforementioned I would hope to be the only stresses in their lives, not something as incomprehensible as this. I know this is an important time for them and it's just so shocking and sad.
I know the healing will come, the day slotted into memory, and the cheer of young students to rise again. Tonight, I know there is devastation and I am silenced in thought that this day marks the largest mass shooting in modern U.S. history. I know death is part of life and I feel anxiety at the fact murder takes place everyday in our country, devastatingly so in others. I know people die every day in war and I know I will never understand it. I cannot fathom the taking of an innocence that was not theirs for the taking. I just cannot make sense of it and so I will pray with mournful tears, not looking for an understanding, but giving instead my love and condolensces I hope reaches across the span of miles to each of their dear hearts.

Hallelujah

Ann Sample (my Muzzie, my grandmother's creation)

Poetry Thursday

~(Poem for a poet, inspired from a book of poems I picked up from my Grandmother's house)

Body limp in rest, images pierce and fade in mad order
As my mind alters into recognition, the transient signal of day break.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake.

So as my eyes hold loosely shut, I may form these words upon my lips,

Rolling over into their seductive arms, full of loving hope, denying just yet the day to take.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake.

Pour them into a star and sew it to the patchwork midnight sky,

So it may not shoot and burn, leaving of my dreams, a scorned line to trace.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake, dear William Herbert Carruth, Dreamer of Dreams.


~Letter to my favorite poet~

Thank you for introducing me to Peggy Ann McKay. She gave me the courage and humility to stand among my adolescent peers for talent day and tell her story about a kid who fibbed in order to play. I was scared out of my mind, dressed in a flannel pajama gown over my jeans, holding perforated copy paper to drop and reveal the list of reasons "not to go to school today".

Being shy, I still do not know how I got through it, except in that moment I must have not believed in judgment. It must have been her story, your poetry, full of adventure, imagery, silly truths. Fun ways of saying how we feel at times. Your writings were the first I read from an adult that did not speak to me as adult, but instead a muse for my own imaginings.

I enjoy the same humor as you, I believe. Silly wit.

I admire "your light" within the attic of your mind.

Please come visit me and take me to the end of the sidewalk...again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, this is hard! I have always written my own poetry here and there, in a feeling, mostly in the thick of angry or sad. But to write from a given idea and within a time line is hard, yet so energizing to my mind. While I fought with this poem because I could not easily write it, I realize the value it brings to the flow of my writing. To let the ink flow, my fingers madly chasing my words...I am excited to be a part of Poetry Thursday- even when I doubt my ability, I feel this will help my writings grow.

So simple, yet so hard.

Rough banner, but I figured it out...now on to design. I guess I should have done all this before I started posting. Oh well...

I don't care...just make it work

I used the exact code on all the blogger help pages. The easiest code in all the land and it won't work. Created in photoshop and saved as a jpg- is this correct? Am I insane- probably. Help! New blogger-added page element-uploaded to javascript element. It just won't work- feeling like a lone typewriter among a sea of laptops. I want a typewriter though- love the sound and feel...but really rather have a banner of color instead of font. I'll keep trying..hopeful I can figure it out...