Lots of happy love for-

~Becoming an aunt, again, this weekend

~C dancing to Hip Hop beats and eating strawberries and cool whip with him

~Exercising, again

~feeling deeper, rooted with myself

~feeling lighter, freer with myself

~a upcoming girl's road trip to Asheville~ how could we have not taken one together yet?

~Grilling out all week

~planting a butterfly bush

(oh and buying three other plants that cannot be planted in the ground due to frost in the winter-perfect! Maybe I should do a little research instead of buying by the look of things.)

I think this summer is going to be a lot of fun!

Patient Words

I have been asking why I have been holding myself back. Answers come in many forms- a prayer, a song, a voice, a scene or in an afterthought. Sometimes though they are spelled out in plain, typed text- there all along waiting patiently to resonate.

I started The Artist's Way and a few months ago put it on my bedside shelf allowing the pages to collect dust. I opened it again a few days ago and the page I left on was part of the answer to the very question I have been stumbling over as of late. Amazing how the universe works sometimes- all the time.

"Answered prayers are scary.

They imply responsibility.

You asked for it.

Now that you got it, what are you going to do with it?"

"Answered prayers deliver us back to our own hand."

~the Artist's Way~

I think I may have not been ready to answer this question a while ago, and now I feel more confident and ready.

Putting off

I've created a space for my creative endeavors. I now realize it doesn't take much, just a place you feel calm and lovingly surrounded by your stuff. My Muzzie, an artist, has made her home a working art. She paints murals on the walls, on the toilets and pretty much anything her paint brush in hand feels needs a little color. One of the first times my husband went to her house, to cut down some overgrown brush, and went inside to get some water, Muzzie led him to the kitchen, paintbrush in hand, and stopped at a painting and declared, "I didn't want it to be that color", and without a second thought painted right over it. My husband later said he was just in awe of her creativity. Her artistry exudes.

Lately, I haven't done much in the way of creativity. My weekends have been filled with weddings, baby showers, family in from Australia - a whirlwind of fun. This past week I have been a heap of tiredness and I am thankful to have this weekend plan-free. During the past few weeks when I have thought of my studio and the ideas I have I got an excited-nervousness and a longing to have some down time. I have to learn some balancing skills. I keep my creative self at bay with thoughts that once I do this...then I'll have time. I keep asking- what am I waiting for, why am I putting this off? I work on stuff every so often and feel challenged, excited, happy- clear-minded. Why do I put off what intrigues me?

Baby Showers and Weddings

Cooking with thoughts

(blue corn shells with black beans and onions, before the addition of more cheese and sour cream-yum)

I find when I have a lot on my mind I tend to cook. It is not a conscious idea always, but I somehow find myself at home, after work and C asleep, with recipes sprawled about and spices, sauces, vegetables, knives, bread, plates, pots and pans placed upon the counter. I pour a glass of red, turn on the soft lights in my kitchen and fall into rhythm. The repetition of chopping is soothing and helps me to slow my booming thoughts to a quiet hum to where I can then begin to concentrate.

Once I get to the root of my thoughts, I can gently cut away the stubborn skins of worry and break them into pieces allowing the fragrant feelings to surface. As I measure and weigh the ingredients, I do the same to choices I am considering. I try out spices, adding and tasting, wishing I felt as confident and free to experiment in other areas of myself as I do with cooking. I don't always make the best tasting mixtures, but at least I try. I got over this fear at home by learning that my husband won't think I am a bad cook if I screw up dinner because maybe tomorrow I will make something he raves over. Some of this culinary confidence comes easily because he's my husband, and not everyone else .

I am learning to apply this way of thinking to other things I wish to pursue. I have to just try things out, like I have done with cooking. I have to remember my ability to cook by taste did not happen over night, I am still learning, and will continue for the rest of my life. To realize there are a plenitude of tastes, but that maybe a few will really enjoy what I have created.


I have to take what I know I enjoy, grind the fear in the disposal, and start from scratch. Even if the dish is a disaster, it shouldn't keep me from trying again.





~good lesson in not taking things personally~
I made a grilled pork chop and fresh turnip greens for C. Pork chop on the floor, gagging noises as the greens are spit from his mouth. I am in shock because he is a lover of all foods. After all my failed efforts to coax him to eat the turnips, I take a large, sharp butcher knife and with one swift CHOP, cut the cantaloupe in half. I then cut the sweet fruit away from the rind in neat little squares and give a few to C. As he shoves them into his mouth, barely giving himself room to swallow, he raises one arm and says "I unt suh moooow", until half of the melon is gone. Fruit dinner-nice. I suppose I'll save the the three course meals for the adults *smile*. C does love fruit though. This makes me think about when I was pregnant with him and how I ate fruit everyday, especially oranges. I couldn't' get enough of the sweetness. I like to think maybe this began his love for the sweet nectar of fruit.

I have also been thinking a lot lately about growing, buying, and cooking fresher, and more organic. My parents raised us on organic food (my sister used to trade her juice cookies for Twinkies-how funny is that-but the kids loved our natural foods). I realize that C is just as happy with fruit as he is with cookies. I try to cook from fresh ingredients and stay conscious of the ingredients in packaged foods. I have also always had allergies and now C does too. I have to say I have learned a lot from other bloggers' experiences about the effects of the foods they consume that may interfere with our bodies. It is truly fascinating and I have been thinking so much more about eating foods that energize and restore my body rather than harm. It's not just about eating because it's part of my day. It's eating to keep my body strong and healthy. Even some changes I have already made are making a difference. Now if only I could keep plants alive..maybe then I could have an organic garden. Sad but true, I have no green thumb. Yet!

{The Venetian's painted ceiling-amazing}

I imagined a curvy lady dressed in red, laying on a piano crooning into the microphone about love, her lips sparkling in the smoky light. A few mobsters dressed in suits puffing cigars, sipping scotch from highballs, the ice clanking as fat hands swirled the cool liquor around in the glass. Nearby would be a few poker tables, a mahogany wood roulette wheel, chips stacked, crowds gathering- cheering as luck landed at their sides. Bright lights, swinging music and flashy clothes adorning the casino halls.

Vegas- not what I imagined, although it was still a lot of fun. Instead you enter a gigantic room filled row after row with slot machines lit up like a runway signaling people to land for the night. The pungent smell of stale smoke mixed with air freshener, pumped through air vents in an attempt to mask nights of spilt drinks and hours past, unbeknownst . A myriad of people come to this wild place and for so many reasons-bachelor parties, expositions, vacations, divorce. You name it there is someone there with a story why this is the spot to be.

Still, it was a site to see all the excited commotion of cards shuffling, ringing slot machines, high pitch chattering and squealing-ceaseless this city is, and all just stuck in the desert as if a mirage of lights, liquor and money. A nice older gentleman gave me a twenty and said "have fun kid" after seeing me lose my own twenty to a greedy machine. That was super fun.

The food was delicious. While there I ate blackened ahi with steamed baby cabbage, stemmed baby carrots, marinated aged steak, red wine, and I also drank my first whole cup of coffee:) I wish we had time to see a show though...maybe next time.

We had a great show at the expo. Every one was excited and thrilled over our product. We will be very busy soon. It was great. I am so happy all the hard work and determination, especially for my parents, is coming to fruition. I really felt it at this particular show and am very proud to be a part of this company.

After we arrived back home, C ran straight past his dad and into my arms. He took his wee hands and squeezed my cheeks, his face inches from mine and just stared at me, like he thought he couldn't believe I was there- I think he knows what missing feels like now. I wouldn't trade all the money in Vegas for that very moment.

Vegas...I'm a little scared of you

What stays in Vegas...I hope not...or else I will look like this picture when I get home. Going to Las Vegas for a business convention. I work for the family business so my parents will be there. I have never been so it should be fun. J is also going with me, so we brought a little stash and he's convinced he'll win big, as we all secretly do. I just know this place is going to make me dizzy-the lights, the noise, the DRINKS. Fun!

Just the two of us

J and I often babysit my nephew because my sister is a Sous chef and works A LOT. This past Sunday she wanted to return the favor, and this time we took her up on it. J suggested we drive down to the stadium, buy dollar tickets and enjoy a ballgame, just the two of us. We learned from taking C to other sporting events, that he would rather walk around the stadium at this age than actually sit in it. Minutes are still hours to him.

C happily obliged to spend the afternoon with his cousin anyway.

We started with a Sunday drive through the city, conversation light and flirty, resting my mind while watching cars maneuver steadily like the moving water of a creek: bends and straights.
When we got to the stadium we bought icy cold beers, a brat, an Italian sausage, and seats with a clear view to home plate-we felt good. The sky a sphere of piercing blue, tufts of white clouds dolloped like whip cream on blueberries, a bold contrast against the expanse of diamond cut grass. The temperature was hot, but when sitting above the trees I got a bird's eye view and understood why they soar on soft wind-it felt free and calm. I really need a trip to the mountains to camp and hike. Lately days have been colliding into one another until I feel dried of creativity and the alarm clock becomes a drone of tired reminders to rise and get through the day.

After the game on Sunday, J and I kept saying how much fun we had. We laughed the whole time, the game a side conversation to what we were there for- a block of time for rejuvenation, for laughter, for filling up on love and for not taking ourselves so seriously. I have to sometimes unwind my inner clock that ticks toward the strike of worry.

It was nice to not engulf my thoughts in anything but in the moment. J and I realize we need to take more of these moments, even in just the day to day. To just be happy.

Query

I saw this meme from this lovely and decided to do it myself.



Are your parents married or divorced? Married for 32 years

Do you believe in heaven? yes

Have you ever come close to dying? no

What jewellery do you wear 24/7 ? wedding rings with my Great grandfather's wedding band worn between my own.

Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yes, but i cut my husband's off for him- he's a floret kind of guy

Do you wear makeup?yes, i love eye shadow

Would you ever have plastic surgery? yes, breast reduction

What do you wear to bed? hubs t-shirts and shorts- not so sexy, but so comfortable

Have you ever done anything illegal? I'm sure :)

Can you roll your tongue?yes

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? happily married

Do you believe in abortions?this is hard- rape, neglect, drugs- yes maybe. Should it be our decision even if those things are involved- I don't know - having a child, it's just too hard for me to answer because I would not now.

What is your hair colour?dark brown, reddish in the summer

Future child's name, boy and girl? Korlyn, for a girl...not sure for a second boy yet.

Do you smoke? no

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Italy, Caribbean islands-any, South Africa, Brazil, California and Colorado.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no

If you won the lottery, what would you do first?Pay everything off and give away a lot to family and friends.

Hamburger or hot dog? I love veggie burgers, but also like cheeseburgers on the grill, and a hot Italian sausage with all the fixings, ever so often.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Bread, cheese (i know it asks for one, but i gotta have cheese with my bread:)

City, beach or country? Live in the country, vacation at the beach.

What was the last thing you touched? my face, I do that when thinking

When’s the last time you cried? couple of days ago

What colour are your pants? blue denim, jeans

Ever been involved with the police? yes, but with just a warning...shhhh

What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just found the brand Sammy, but I usually switch every time I buy shampoo, however this shampoo lures me to smell my hair throughout the day , so I may stick with it.

Do you talk in your sleep? no

Ocean or pool? Ocean, i would love to live nearby

What’s your favourite song at the moment? Rachael Yamagata's Would You Please, The Killers' -Mr. Brightside, and Joss Stone's new cd

Have you ever had a cavity? yes

Window seat or aisle seats? Window

Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?. Successful in some areas, just beginning in others

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl and cut

Are you self-conscious? yes

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? no

Last gift you received? perfume from my husband

What occasion did you receive your gift? None really, he buys gifts for me and C when he's on business out of town.

Last thing you spent lots of money on? air conditioning- grrr

Where do you live? metro Atlanta, Georgia

Last wedding attended ? Friends my husband used to work with.

Favourite restaurant? I don't have just one, anything Mediterranean and a nice wine list.

What is your favourite kind of car? Mercedes

What’s your least favourite chore(s)? ironing

Favourite drink? hmmm, water w/lemon, orange juice, root beer and wine. hahaha-this list just got progressively worse. hahaha

One step at a time

The steps to actualizing may seem big, but with determination and self-love there is growth and dreams come true.

We are realizing how much we want this dream. Our souls thrive on creative living. We understand it's a must, not just a want. We are taking small steps, or have been for awhile to begin our creative endeavors/business. I feel we are coming into it, maybe slowly, but it's on the brim, spilling over in small amounts-a vision too big to contain. We talk of it everyday and I feel the energy of what it will become flowing through me-flutters of excitement that it can be real, and reminding myself why not.