Feeling calm

I feel I have begun to come into my own as a mother, even though I have really just entered into this beautiful, emotion-driven path. Two and half years ago I looked into the eyes of this little baby, so familiar, yet so mind-altering. I remember thinking ~that's him, that's who i have been waiting for, that is the sweet soul I am blessed to know? The experience is instant~instant love, instant responsibility, instant change. The change is all encompassing at first~a shift to daily life; interrupted sleep, baby colds, hormonal shifts, and just trying to figure out if I was doing it well enough~ feeling right in my gut, but borderline obsessive with over~questioning.

Then there is the change on deeper levels. Two years later and I am now beginning to understand the profound growth this change has brought into our life and how it slowly shifted my thought process to recognize the choices I make, the words I speak, even our surroundings, in order to manifest a peaceful, thriving home.

In a way I was so involved in the details of motherhood I found it hard to live in the moment of what his presence meant in our lives. Many times I would find myself staring at him thinking this life together is so clear and exuberating though some of it is a blur and why that is? Feeling how unfair I can't remember or document each precious moment. Feeling I wish I could have had a bird's eye view on myself and my husband, to watch how we treated each other during the beginning months, how we loved or hurt each other, our expressions of uncertainty, our tears of love and frustration- a view in which to play out the imaginings of family life and the reality ~ to look with admiration for trying both. A nostalgia for two people (at times it felt like kids) working hard to develop and nourish our family.

Then there is the blur of my life before him. So often it is said you will not remember what your life was like before children. For me, I think of all the time in the past two years I have spent with a little one to care for, a little boy trailing my footsteps and what is it I did with all that time before him. I do know I was taking care of myself, I was learning myself, I was letting go and touching on self-love, something I make a point to keep in the forefront of my mind as I think it is very important to teach my son.

I'll admit I got caught up in the "this is our life" mentality~I'll be this person when....

I don't think I lost myself totally, but in a way~in the beginning~ I had to, and indirectly he has taught me how to rejuvenate myself more fully.

I've learned a deepened sense of self. In some ways it forced me to focus on my beliefs, my morals, my desires, my yearnings~and to be confident in each, for him, although I always kept an open mind. I have always been the type to see both sides, often struggling for peace between the two.

For a time I had a fluxation of emotions between all the things I want to accomplish for myself and for our family. Would I ever be able to do both?

By gaining more confidence as a mother and watching my son grow into this sweet, funny, creative, hungry for knowledge little man~I realized how much I needed to be aware of those qualities in myself and nurture them so we can live as individuals in a family, whom love and encourage to no end.

Two years later, and beyond the unsureness of how we would manage, how we would create this family I feel this inner quietness. I feel more peaceful. Sure I still worry and self-doubt. But I understand myself better and how to change my way of thinking with more ease. I had this moment the other day where I thought I am not limited. I kinda felt like a kid with a house-and that i could do whatever I wanted. I could paint or cook if I wanted, or read, instead of trying to figure out how to be an adult - whatever I thought that meant. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to begin things, so I found myself making lists and cleaning. Now I find myself starting projects, redecorating, just small things here and there~soft music and candle light.

Even though I feel how time races, I steal moments until more and more I feel present.