Feeling calm

I feel I have begun to come into my own as a mother, even though I have really just entered into this beautiful, emotion-driven path. Two and half years ago I looked into the eyes of this little baby, so familiar, yet so mind-altering. I remember thinking ~that's him, that's who i have been waiting for, that is the sweet soul I am blessed to know? The experience is instant~instant love, instant responsibility, instant change. The change is all encompassing at first~a shift to daily life; interrupted sleep, baby colds, hormonal shifts, and just trying to figure out if I was doing it well enough~ feeling right in my gut, but borderline obsessive with over~questioning.

Then there is the change on deeper levels. Two years later and I am now beginning to understand the profound growth this change has brought into our life and how it slowly shifted my thought process to recognize the choices I make, the words I speak, even our surroundings, in order to manifest a peaceful, thriving home.

In a way I was so involved in the details of motherhood I found it hard to live in the moment of what his presence meant in our lives. Many times I would find myself staring at him thinking this life together is so clear and exuberating though some of it is a blur and why that is? Feeling how unfair I can't remember or document each precious moment. Feeling I wish I could have had a bird's eye view on myself and my husband, to watch how we treated each other during the beginning months, how we loved or hurt each other, our expressions of uncertainty, our tears of love and frustration- a view in which to play out the imaginings of family life and the reality ~ to look with admiration for trying both. A nostalgia for two people (at times it felt like kids) working hard to develop and nourish our family.

Then there is the blur of my life before him. So often it is said you will not remember what your life was like before children. For me, I think of all the time in the past two years I have spent with a little one to care for, a little boy trailing my footsteps and what is it I did with all that time before him. I do know I was taking care of myself, I was learning myself, I was letting go and touching on self-love, something I make a point to keep in the forefront of my mind as I think it is very important to teach my son.

I'll admit I got caught up in the "this is our life" mentality~I'll be this person when....

I don't think I lost myself totally, but in a way~in the beginning~ I had to, and indirectly he has taught me how to rejuvenate myself more fully.

I've learned a deepened sense of self. In some ways it forced me to focus on my beliefs, my morals, my desires, my yearnings~and to be confident in each, for him, although I always kept an open mind. I have always been the type to see both sides, often struggling for peace between the two.

For a time I had a fluxation of emotions between all the things I want to accomplish for myself and for our family. Would I ever be able to do both?

By gaining more confidence as a mother and watching my son grow into this sweet, funny, creative, hungry for knowledge little man~I realized how much I needed to be aware of those qualities in myself and nurture them so we can live as individuals in a family, whom love and encourage to no end.

Two years later, and beyond the unsureness of how we would manage, how we would create this family I feel this inner quietness. I feel more peaceful. Sure I still worry and self-doubt. But I understand myself better and how to change my way of thinking with more ease. I had this moment the other day where I thought I am not limited. I kinda felt like a kid with a house-and that i could do whatever I wanted. I could paint or cook if I wanted, or read, instead of trying to figure out how to be an adult - whatever I thought that meant. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to begin things, so I found myself making lists and cleaning. Now I find myself starting projects, redecorating, just small things here and there~soft music and candle light.

Even though I feel how time races, I steal moments until more and more I feel present.

Remembering the music~three concerts

Relishing in the end days of summer, I took to the music.

~Chastain park has a small amphitheater- a calm, peaceful venue. A picnic of goat cheese, soft butter bread for BLT's, apples and wine. The round shape of the amphitheater and tall trees create a moon of space to gaze upon in the lovely, partly-cloudy sky. We eat and chat with our neighbors who offer fresh figs- plump and juicy, soft flavor. We sway to the opening band while everyone eats and laughs- the tense of work peeling away. Relaxing, sipping wine with the soft air wrapping us up-the lights lay dimly in the clouds. Everyone looks up ever so often to catch a glimpse of the darkening lump in the sky. A finger raised here and there- worried for the approaching rain. A few mumbles about metal seats and lightening. The music begins and a roar of excitement rushes towards the stage. Dancing, swaying, drinking, quick-silver glances- keeping a watchful eye on the darkening sky. One drop..then two...people move quickly for cover- I hide under my picnic blanket. The lady next to me shares..J runs for ponchos...I am drenched. I let the rain fall upon my hair and down my legs-chilled by the rain and warmed by the heat in the air. I lift my head to the sky grinning at the kid in me..

~Standing in front of a bare stage, minimal crowd, but intimate as though stumbling upon an open session. Next to me is my dearest friend. The air is stale in this old venue-bittersweet-like high school. This cool chick on stage sings deep and passionate-lonesome at times, but piercing. Her sound strikes me somewhere deep and I want to travel around with her and see all her shows. She's witty and natural. Something beautiful and magical about swaying in the dark- one piano, one girl, one spotlight and one best friend. I felt adolescent again, but wiser. Smiling at chatty teenagers and stealing glances at the beauty beside me, who's been there through it all. She and I-soul friends-she's never far, for I keep her on my mind.

~My left arm is in the sun, hanging out the open window of the patio. I could graze my fingertips on the sidewalk flooded with concertgoers. There is no parking downtown today. We're walking to the concert- devoted to the saving of parks like the one thousands will gather in, to hear some music tonight. I am concentrated on a divine fried green tomato sandwich and local beer, and happy the ground is uneven and our table is at a slant lending character. I love walking on a blocked off street and off the confines of the sidewalk, thinking how structured life can become and how I need to go off the beaten path more. Dusk is beginning to settle and the lines are long and slow. I concentrate on the beach balls freely bouncing upon the fingertips of the sea of people in front of me. The stage is large and the light show is spectacular and flashy. Being so far from the stage I lose the concentration of the music and hear people talking and then an explosion of cheers brings me back. I love the connectedness of thousands of people in one place, enjoying themselves freely and for a good cause.

~Music is such an integral part of life. Whether singing, playing, dancing, listening, waking, crying, driving, or sleeping to music- we're always making it, creating it and encompassing it as the backbone of our life. Sometimes I forget how powerful music is and then I remind myself to listen more and I physically feel my body and soul relax.

Seeking your dreams~desires~life

(A poem a day inspired by this girl's writings I admire)


Ethereal whispers in my ear

And the wind, at times, can speak so clear


It tells me to look into this life of mine

And figure out what is real


I'm waiting for your touch

And I know it's your embrace that keeps me near

You are the essence of the love

Everyone is trying to hold onto


But I don't have to reach

For you are

wholly

gripping me

Right now, right here.

Connecting two points

Laying on my parent's driveway over the weekend I feel connected. The warm heat rising from the constructed concrete ground, it feels strong and reliable. My eyes entranced in the dancing fingers of the trees, that play and flirt upon the wind. A canopy of protective arms embracing the sky, offering glints of sun and shade. I recall turning my head to stare at my little man and his twin cousin throwing pine cones at the bushes- whispering to one another in their own language full of wonder and inquisition. I follow their gaze up a tree to a taunting squirrel dropping pine cones above their heads. I turn my head back and close my eyes, feeling the earth spinning beneath me- picturing a vacuum pulling my thoughts, racing upwards to the sky, then to hover above me like a movie playing against the vast blue screen. A laugh, a breeze, brings me back-my eyelids fluttering against the soft light. I feel an awareness- a pull between me then, me now. I used to lay on this driveway all the time before boyfriends, before jobs, before a house and a marriage and before a child. I used to lay here when i was still a child- when it was just me and my dreams. Gosh, I would imagine so much- endless possibilities, like the endless sky. It felt good then, it feels good now. Neither better or comparable, two points in time- significant and whole.

Fall on me

This morning I closed my eyes in the shower and imagined that it was dark and cool outside. Feeling the strong desire for scarves and jeans paired with heavy boots. Hot chocolate and homemade vegetable soup.

How often we do this~dreaming of fall when summer is still present?

Maybe the desire for this change signifies the end of a period of growth. In the midst of life many times we forget~well, that we are in the midst of it.What encompasses us is life~right now. In the midst of it we are growing, simply. It seems then anticipation, frustration, boredom, nostalgia often creep in. Reminders to not stay too complacent~to be present and take reflection into new boundaries.

Learning, changing, growing.

Ready to take the lesson and move forth~ expand, run, purge.

I feel over this summer I have been asking questions, taking it deep, sitting with the feelings, writing them down, listening intently to the music playing in and around me.

Questioning.


Listening.


Contemplating.


Making lists of goals, dreams and projects.


i feel i have let go of a lot with eyes wide open.


i feel i have learned to clarify my values, my beliefs.


i feel more aware


i feel stronger


i feel more alive


i feel more loved


Now i just want to experience. Have you ever felt tired of asking the questions, turned off a little by the constant buzz of your own thoughts.

Usually, when i anticipate summer I feel ready to take on a million things.

I feel a strange, but fresh, engaging feeling for this winter.

I still have some great summer things planned~a concert in this park with all proceeds going towards park conservancy, which in Atlanta is much needed.

I've been sitting.

I'm ready to run.

It feels good to sit with your thoughts.

Sometimes it feels good to do, with thoughts racing.

Ramblings to me

I'll drive away with you on a Sunday afternoon
when the leaves turn brown and crush~disintegrate, against my hand

Beneath my feet, I'll tread lightly on your emotions

while tempting you, instead, to dance with mine

I'll seek out the inner beauty of your beliefs

if you can come to forgive my lonesome grief

Take me away on a full-moon dream

where time cannot touch me and

wanderlust sparkles in the ground

Where music reigns as language

and dance is the movement~always fluid in our motion

We'll ride a wave on a butterfly ocean.

When we get there

When I plant my feet

and stretch my arms

When I take in a deep breath

I'll speak softly to myself and whisper~

When will you know me

When will all this count

Sure I've been trying to explain how imperfections

are simply reality

I know there are things to fix

and rules to follow through

I may even understand how my restlessness

may somber you

But I'm waking to new time

and listening to softer sounds

I'm finding peace through each moment

what were once endless days abound

My breath feels slower, deeper

and my sight finds memories to capture

I love with fierce passion

and hurt with fury, I know

I'm stronger than I was yesterday

and live in my hours knowing their mine

I'll keep trying to build strength

in my soul and love for this life

It's the lessons we learn and the paths that are chosen

that allow us to expand so we may leave a beauty mark on

this vast, breathing land

I find peace living for these moments.

So today I'll pull my dreams from my pillow and bring them to life.

I need your concern but I desire your understanding,

for my love, to the me once afraid

Whom I see growing in variable ways

It takes time for most

and that I'll give

As long as time I may have to say~

I once happily lived.

Just one kiss

Today I walked over to you and leaned down to give you a hug as you played on the floor. I turned to stand up and you pulled my arm, lifted your sweet face and gave me a kiss-all on your own-the first one without asking or smothering you with my own kisses. I drew in my breath, smiled at you, thanked you for your sweetness, and you went back to playing. My thousands of kisses to you will always equal your one given to me, I hope you know this forever.