Photo shoot with my family

(Photography by Ricki Chester)

Al Green was singing sweetly into my ear the other night while I was working out at the gym. I thought to myself ~ Al Green reminds me of my family~ and I smiled.

Yes Al Green reminds me of my family.

Colorful, deep loving soul music reminds me of my family. The hurt, the pain, the struggle, the love, the anger, the resilience..the ties that bind~over and over again.

The guy who covered Al Green's music at my parent's Christmas party one year, who smoked up on their driveway reminds me of them, giving us all a good head shake and laugh at the quirks of people. "It takes all kinds" my Dad always says. Being able to not take ourselves to seriously.

The ability to accept differences, while holding fast to our own beliefs. Altogether totally confusing and perfectly sensible. This almost always reminds me of my family.

Waking slightly to the soft sounds of Van Morrison in the tape deck on our night time trips to our land in North Georgia; giddy with anticipation for the next day mixed with hopes of more peaceful sleep~ to wish to always feel this way. Waking up in a tent, breathing in the cold/hot mix of fresh mountain air and wood burning fire, the bone chill of the air. The wood swing out over the steep hill and feeling shrill exhilaration with close-your-eyes-and-trust fear. Walks among sounds only of wind through the trees, rustling of animals and rush of water~I still hold deep trust for my father when in nature. The way my mother watched us like a mama bear over her cubs, the way my dad gave us freedom to explore. This is always constant in our family.

My dad's relentless quest to help turtles to the safe side of the road, often ending woefully bad~intentions completely innocent. The way my mom and sisters and brother find it fall-to-your- knees, barely. able. to. talk. laugh so hard at my Dad sometimes. He is often so serious in teaching a lesson only to find the lesson making an example of him. Like the time he told my brother not to throw food to the pigeons because of what would happen. Oh like what happened all over his head instead. You should see my mother laugh in times like these ~ so raw, so young, so her.

The beach reminds me of my family. Packed car to the ceiling, McDonald's coffee filtering into our sleepy senses on our way. Games my mother made for our car ride made with egg cartons and marbles. Conversations from the heart. Everybody talking, feeling nobody listening~being the middle child and all. Swimming in the ocean reminds me of my family and how we would swim to a sand bar, find a million sand dollars. Screaming from a starfish wrapping around my face, the one my sister placed on my head crying laughing, me just crying. Exploring and taking interest. This reminds me very much of my family.

Boys and friends and trouble and growing independent

Deep connection reminds me of my family.

Screaming~fighting, laughing~crying, joking~embarrassing, teasing~taunting, hugging~kissing, laying side by side, running side by side, watching from sidelines, cheering or defending. Inside jokes and private moments.

Trading juice cookies for Little Debbie's, carrot juice before trick-or-treating, ice cream sundaes from grandparents followed by croup, orange trees, best-friend dogs, experiencing loss, experiencing first loves, 90210, gifted programs and dyslexia, ballet, cross~country, plays, baseball, art shows, yelling, stomping, crying, walks to the gas station for candy, SNL with my sister and our parents laughing at us laughing. So many little and big moments that sculpt my family, and me a shape sculpted from them.

Especially when I look at each one...

Our faces for getting each other
Our faces in disagreement
Our faces of compassion
Our faces of hurt
Our faces of calm
Our faces of need


Our faces that simply resemble...




...and now my own little family, whose face resembles ours...small reminders.

Finding My Groove Again

Silly pic of me after my dance class (bad lighting)

I took a hip hop/Latin dance class at the gym last week. I realized how much I miss that part of my life. Up until the time I graduated from high school I spent my evenings and weekends at the dance studio. I miss the warm up, finding concentration and balance. The music, the rhythm, the sweat, the pushing of my body to keep moving, keep working, feeling the vibration off the group. I miss falling into repetition of movements until the mind and body connect and the soul moves freely, in sync. I miss especially the peacefulness of cooling down, taking deep breaths, sometimes on the verge of tears, realizing the release of emotion from my mind and the way my body felt so alive. I think I will continue to take this class and maybe even find a dance workshop to participate in one weekend. I wish I had never stopped taking classes, I definitely loved the way this class made me feel afterwards~a deep connection I hope to maintain.

C's finding the beat

Feeling calm

I feel I have begun to come into my own as a mother, even though I have really just entered into this beautiful, emotion-driven path. Two and half years ago I looked into the eyes of this little baby, so familiar, yet so mind-altering. I remember thinking ~that's him, that's who i have been waiting for, that is the sweet soul I am blessed to know? The experience is instant~instant love, instant responsibility, instant change. The change is all encompassing at first~a shift to daily life; interrupted sleep, baby colds, hormonal shifts, and just trying to figure out if I was doing it well enough~ feeling right in my gut, but borderline obsessive with over~questioning.

Then there is the change on deeper levels. Two years later and I am now beginning to understand the profound growth this change has brought into our life and how it slowly shifted my thought process to recognize the choices I make, the words I speak, even our surroundings, in order to manifest a peaceful, thriving home.

In a way I was so involved in the details of motherhood I found it hard to live in the moment of what his presence meant in our lives. Many times I would find myself staring at him thinking this life together is so clear and exuberating though some of it is a blur and why that is? Feeling how unfair I can't remember or document each precious moment. Feeling I wish I could have had a bird's eye view on myself and my husband, to watch how we treated each other during the beginning months, how we loved or hurt each other, our expressions of uncertainty, our tears of love and frustration- a view in which to play out the imaginings of family life and the reality ~ to look with admiration for trying both. A nostalgia for two people (at times it felt like kids) working hard to develop and nourish our family.

Then there is the blur of my life before him. So often it is said you will not remember what your life was like before children. For me, I think of all the time in the past two years I have spent with a little one to care for, a little boy trailing my footsteps and what is it I did with all that time before him. I do know I was taking care of myself, I was learning myself, I was letting go and touching on self-love, something I make a point to keep in the forefront of my mind as I think it is very important to teach my son.

I'll admit I got caught up in the "this is our life" mentality~I'll be this person when....

I don't think I lost myself totally, but in a way~in the beginning~ I had to, and indirectly he has taught me how to rejuvenate myself more fully.

I've learned a deepened sense of self. In some ways it forced me to focus on my beliefs, my morals, my desires, my yearnings~and to be confident in each, for him, although I always kept an open mind. I have always been the type to see both sides, often struggling for peace between the two.

For a time I had a fluxation of emotions between all the things I want to accomplish for myself and for our family. Would I ever be able to do both?

By gaining more confidence as a mother and watching my son grow into this sweet, funny, creative, hungry for knowledge little man~I realized how much I needed to be aware of those qualities in myself and nurture them so we can live as individuals in a family, whom love and encourage to no end.

Two years later, and beyond the unsureness of how we would manage, how we would create this family I feel this inner quietness. I feel more peaceful. Sure I still worry and self-doubt. But I understand myself better and how to change my way of thinking with more ease. I had this moment the other day where I thought I am not limited. I kinda felt like a kid with a house-and that i could do whatever I wanted. I could paint or cook if I wanted, or read, instead of trying to figure out how to be an adult - whatever I thought that meant. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to begin things, so I found myself making lists and cleaning. Now I find myself starting projects, redecorating, just small things here and there~soft music and candle light.

Even though I feel how time races, I steal moments until more and more I feel present.

Remembering the music~three concerts

Relishing in the end days of summer, I took to the music.

~Chastain park has a small amphitheater- a calm, peaceful venue. A picnic of goat cheese, soft butter bread for BLT's, apples and wine. The round shape of the amphitheater and tall trees create a moon of space to gaze upon in the lovely, partly-cloudy sky. We eat and chat with our neighbors who offer fresh figs- plump and juicy, soft flavor. We sway to the opening band while everyone eats and laughs- the tense of work peeling away. Relaxing, sipping wine with the soft air wrapping us up-the lights lay dimly in the clouds. Everyone looks up ever so often to catch a glimpse of the darkening lump in the sky. A finger raised here and there- worried for the approaching rain. A few mumbles about metal seats and lightening. The music begins and a roar of excitement rushes towards the stage. Dancing, swaying, drinking, quick-silver glances- keeping a watchful eye on the darkening sky. One drop..then two...people move quickly for cover- I hide under my picnic blanket. The lady next to me shares..J runs for ponchos...I am drenched. I let the rain fall upon my hair and down my legs-chilled by the rain and warmed by the heat in the air. I lift my head to the sky grinning at the kid in me..

~Standing in front of a bare stage, minimal crowd, but intimate as though stumbling upon an open session. Next to me is my dearest friend. The air is stale in this old venue-bittersweet-like high school. This cool chick on stage sings deep and passionate-lonesome at times, but piercing. Her sound strikes me somewhere deep and I want to travel around with her and see all her shows. She's witty and natural. Something beautiful and magical about swaying in the dark- one piano, one girl, one spotlight and one best friend. I felt adolescent again, but wiser. Smiling at chatty teenagers and stealing glances at the beauty beside me, who's been there through it all. She and I-soul friends-she's never far, for I keep her on my mind.

~My left arm is in the sun, hanging out the open window of the patio. I could graze my fingertips on the sidewalk flooded with concertgoers. There is no parking downtown today. We're walking to the concert- devoted to the saving of parks like the one thousands will gather in, to hear some music tonight. I am concentrated on a divine fried green tomato sandwich and local beer, and happy the ground is uneven and our table is at a slant lending character. I love walking on a blocked off street and off the confines of the sidewalk, thinking how structured life can become and how I need to go off the beaten path more. Dusk is beginning to settle and the lines are long and slow. I concentrate on the beach balls freely bouncing upon the fingertips of the sea of people in front of me. The stage is large and the light show is spectacular and flashy. Being so far from the stage I lose the concentration of the music and hear people talking and then an explosion of cheers brings me back. I love the connectedness of thousands of people in one place, enjoying themselves freely and for a good cause.

~Music is such an integral part of life. Whether singing, playing, dancing, listening, waking, crying, driving, or sleeping to music- we're always making it, creating it and encompassing it as the backbone of our life. Sometimes I forget how powerful music is and then I remind myself to listen more and I physically feel my body and soul relax.

Seeking your dreams~desires~life

(A poem a day inspired by this girl's writings I admire)


Ethereal whispers in my ear

And the wind, at times, can speak so clear


It tells me to look into this life of mine

And figure out what is real


I'm waiting for your touch

And I know it's your embrace that keeps me near

You are the essence of the love

Everyone is trying to hold onto


But I don't have to reach

For you are

wholly

gripping me

Right now, right here.

Connecting two points

Laying on my parent's driveway over the weekend I feel connected. The warm heat rising from the constructed concrete ground, it feels strong and reliable. My eyes entranced in the dancing fingers of the trees, that play and flirt upon the wind. A canopy of protective arms embracing the sky, offering glints of sun and shade. I recall turning my head to stare at my little man and his twin cousin throwing pine cones at the bushes- whispering to one another in their own language full of wonder and inquisition. I follow their gaze up a tree to a taunting squirrel dropping pine cones above their heads. I turn my head back and close my eyes, feeling the earth spinning beneath me- picturing a vacuum pulling my thoughts, racing upwards to the sky, then to hover above me like a movie playing against the vast blue screen. A laugh, a breeze, brings me back-my eyelids fluttering against the soft light. I feel an awareness- a pull between me then, me now. I used to lay on this driveway all the time before boyfriends, before jobs, before a house and a marriage and before a child. I used to lay here when i was still a child- when it was just me and my dreams. Gosh, I would imagine so much- endless possibilities, like the endless sky. It felt good then, it feels good now. Neither better or comparable, two points in time- significant and whole.

Fall on me

This morning I closed my eyes in the shower and imagined that it was dark and cool outside. Feeling the strong desire for scarves and jeans paired with heavy boots. Hot chocolate and homemade vegetable soup.

How often we do this~dreaming of fall when summer is still present?

Maybe the desire for this change signifies the end of a period of growth. In the midst of life many times we forget~well, that we are in the midst of it.What encompasses us is life~right now. In the midst of it we are growing, simply. It seems then anticipation, frustration, boredom, nostalgia often creep in. Reminders to not stay too complacent~to be present and take reflection into new boundaries.

Learning, changing, growing.

Ready to take the lesson and move forth~ expand, run, purge.

I feel over this summer I have been asking questions, taking it deep, sitting with the feelings, writing them down, listening intently to the music playing in and around me.

Questioning.


Listening.


Contemplating.


Making lists of goals, dreams and projects.


i feel i have let go of a lot with eyes wide open.


i feel i have learned to clarify my values, my beliefs.


i feel more aware


i feel stronger


i feel more alive


i feel more loved


Now i just want to experience. Have you ever felt tired of asking the questions, turned off a little by the constant buzz of your own thoughts.

Usually, when i anticipate summer I feel ready to take on a million things.

I feel a strange, but fresh, engaging feeling for this winter.

I still have some great summer things planned~a concert in this park with all proceeds going towards park conservancy, which in Atlanta is much needed.

I've been sitting.

I'm ready to run.

It feels good to sit with your thoughts.

Sometimes it feels good to do, with thoughts racing.